Parents' Influence is Crucial!

In his new book, Families and Faith: How Religion is passed across generations, Sociologist Vern L. Bengston of the University of Southern California, shares of his 35-year study on families passing on their faith to the next generation. 

One of the four key findings, in case you didn't already know, is that parental influence is still the single greatest influence on their children's faith. Here is a recap of this research written by the Fuller Youth Institute:

There is a common belief in our culture that parents wield less and less influence over their kids these days, and that those kids are increasingly abandoning the beliefs and values of their families of origin. It is not true. It probably never has been. What is true, according to Bengtson’s study, is that young adults today are just as likely to share their parents’ faith as they were in 1970. This is true whether you’re looking at religious affiliation (What religion are you?), religious intensity (How religious are you?), religious participation (How often do you attend?), Biblical literalism (What’s your view of the Bible?), or civic religiosity (How important should religion be in public life?). Across all these markers, parental influence is just as high as it was a generation ago. 

In other words, parents continue to be the single greatest influence on their children’s faith. (A quick aside: Grandparents, interestingly, are a close second. The study found that grandparents, especially grandfathers, who are highly religious were more likely to have grand kids who were also highly religious. It turns out that grandparents might be an underutilized asset in many churches and youth groups, not to mention families themselves.  

The bottom line: Parents matter. They matter a lot. 

Questions to Consider:

1. Take a look at the faith that you're passing on. What practices and/or beliefs do you hope your kids will inherit from you? 

2. How do your children see your faith naturally and consistently displayed in your own life? 

3. Where could you be more intentional about passing faith on?

Christmas Season

Several years ago, Oklahoma City experienced something that only comes around once in a decade or so it seems.  It was Christmas Eve morning, 2009 and our family was on our way to a party that we have been going to for 17 years.  I remember this particular year because there was a huge buzz going around that day about the snow storm that was apparently approaching the city.  

The church where I serve as a pastor was prepared to host its traditional Christmas Eve service that evening, so I would periodically sneak away to check the weather so we could determine if we needed to cancel the service.  I remember hearing all the gloom and doom reporters as they guessed just how much snow we were going to get that day.  It seemed to range from just a trace of snow to a couple of feet!  In reality it turned out to be just over 10” in the metro area.  It was the most snow recorded in a single day in Oklahoma City.  With winds blowing forcefully at 40-60 mph the storm quickly turned into blizzard conditions with very little visibility.  Snow drifts formed as high as 6ft in some places blanketing the hundreds of vehicles that were abandoned all over the streets and highways.  Interstates 35, 40 and 44 were desolate, all shut down, as well as the airport.

It was certainly a crazy few days as the entire city closed down.  People were stuck at home with seemingly nothing to do...except for spend time with their family.  Yes, that’s right, this “blessing in disguise” opened the door for memory making!  Sledding, movies, snowball fights, board games, video games, books, food, and lots of laughter.  I have never worn pajamas that long in my life! I didn’t know I had pajamas! That Christmas will always be remembered.  

Of course it took some time to stop feeling guilty that I wasn’t at work being “productive,” but as I settled in and focused on the gift that had been given to us, I truly discovered something that our culture seems to skip over all too easily. Unstructured time, no deadlines, no appointments, no phone calls, no homework, no sporting events, no hurrying.  For a few days we enjoyed each others company, we created space to love each other with our uninterrupted time, we slowed down long enough to listen to each other, and we reflected on the real meaning of the season, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This Christmas season, would you consider creating this kind of environment for your family?  Would you slow down long enough to listen and learn from your children?  Would you be patient and full of grace? Would you be intentional with your time and creatively teach your family about the real meaning of Christmas?  Would you consider looking for needs around you that your family could help meet?  Would you make this Christmas one for the record books?  One that will not soon be forgotten?

There’s such a sense of joy, anticipation, and mystery during this time of year. Embrace it!  Allow the “awe” of the season to capture your heart and fill you with the love of the new born King!

“God made man simple; man’s complex problems are of his own devising” (Eccles. 7:30 JB).

Family Thanksgiving Activity!

Activity: 

Before your guests arrive, cut (or draw) a giant turkey out of poster board. Do not color it in, just hang it someone in your living area where all the guests can reach it.  As your family and guests gather (whether you have a family of 3 or 30) give each person a stack of sticky notes and a pen.  Have them write out one thing they’re thankful for (in this calendar year) on each sticky note until they are out of sticky’s or can’t think of anything else.  Try to be as specific as possible. For example, “I am thankful for the great report my grandfather received from the doctor and that we get to spend another Thanksgiving with him.” Or, “I am thankful for the teacher that my child has in school this year.  She has been such a great encourager to my kindergarten daughter.” Now, have them go to the turkey and place your sticky’s on the turkey and fill it up!  Once the turkey is full and everyone is finished, have someone go through and read as many of them as you have time.  You might take a minute to remind everyone in the room just how blessed they are and how great God is!

Read Scripture:

Psalm 9:1-2, 

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your good deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of you name, O Most High.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Song of Thanksgiving:

(2X) Give thanks with a grateful heart

 Give thanks to the Holy One

Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

(2X)  And now let the weak say, "I am strong"

 Let the poor say, "I am rich

Because of what the Lord has done for us"

(Repeat again from the top)

We give thanks

PRESTON, BILLY / JONES, DOUGLAS EARL  Published by Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, MEMORY LANE MUSIC GROUP, EMI Music Publishing

Close in Prayer

Monthly Survey-Response Needed!

The Monthly Family Survey was sent out last week and many of you have not yet responded.  If you could just take 2-3 minutes and fill out the survey as a married couple (unless you're single obviously) that would be great!  I know you are all busy and have a lot going on, but my hope is that we can stay focused on our priority to our personal relationship with Jesus, our marriage, and our spiritual parenting!

This survey is just one attempt to help us gauge where we are during the month and what we need to continue to work on in our lives and in our parenting. Please let me know on the survey how I can help you grow in these areas.  Praying for you all daily!

Thanks,

Todd

Environment of Grace

Over the years my wife and I have wrestled with the questions of how to best lead and discipline our children. We've talked to people, read books, watched videos, and then experimented with what works best in our family, with our unique set of personalities.  The conclusion we came to is that there really isn't one right way for each family, and as a matter fact there really isn't one right way with each child!

However,  I believe there is one right environment to create that will give us the best opportunity to train up our children in the way they should go.   It's creating an environment of Grace.

I like the way Dr. Kimmel says it in his book, Grace Based Parenting,  “Grace is simply God’s love showing itself in relational determination.”  In other words, We must be determined to love and connect relationally as God does with us.

See, Grace is experienced through the quality of love and commitment to each other.

It’s saying, "My love for you is not based on your behavior or accomplishments, I love you no matter what!"   That's the way God loves us, and it’s the way we are to love our children.

The role of parents is to connect with the heart of our children in such a way, that we prepare that child to more easily connect with the heart of God.  And it’s the environment of grace we create in our home that helps to make that heart connection happen with our children.


Kurt Brunner calls this the “Likelihood Principle.”  He says, "Teaching values in the context of a loving, affirming relationship can be highly effective.  But, trying to instill values in the context of a relationship that is distant or hostile will simply not work.”

How are we creating an environment of Grace?  Are we quickly loosing our temper or are we patient and gentle?  Are we providing clear boundaries and expectations or are we scattered with all of our do's and dont's, constantly making up new rules to follow?  Do our kids feel like they can invite friends to our home or are they afraid of being embarrassed by the actions of mom and dad?  Do our kids feel that they are only good enough or loved when they perform well in sports, music, dance, school, etc...?  Are the words "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" a regular part our vocabulary?  Do our kids feel like they can come to us for advise and prayer with most situations or issues in their lives? Are we connecting with the heart of our children?

These are just a few questions to ask ourselves on whether or not we are creating an environment of grace.  Here is a great resource if you're looking to learn more about this idea of Grace based parenting.

Evalutaion Review

I wanted to update you on the family evaluation that most of you took a couple of weeks ago.  First, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer the questions, and for answering them honestly!  This gives me a great starting point to know where I can help encourage and resource.

Second, there were some great questions that came up in the comment sections.  I want to take a minute and go through some of those so that we're all on the same page.

• I will be sending this survey each month as an accountability tool for you and/or your spouse.
• The questions will change from time to time.
• Please do these evaluations together as a couple so that you both are evaluating and participating.
• If you're a single parent, obviously some of the questions will not be applicable.
• If you are wondering what the virtues are, go to toddlovelace.blogspot.com and you will find them.  I will also post the definitions for you there. You also should listen to the message I gave in August at Skyline. It's in the archives on our website at skylineokc.com
• You're Spiritual Development Team are the men or women you have surrounded yourself with to help you grow and hold you accountable.  You must verbally give them permission to ask you tough questions and encourage you on your journey.  They should know they are on your team! You should meet with them occasionally face to face and communicate regularly.  If possible you should look for a person who may be further down the road than you to disciple you as well.
• Praying with our spouse seems to be tough for most of us.  My suggestion is to just start with a few short prayers of 10-15 seconds and build from there.
• Many of us are not taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally.  This is a great area to work on with your Spiritual Development Team.  Share this with them and allow them to pray for you, challenge you, and partner with you!
• As you pray with your children, make sure you and your spouse take time to pray with each one.  
• Teaching the 12 virtues should take place even when your children are little.  
• Remember you are modeling (intentionally showing them in your life) and teaching (walking through situations in their lives) these 12 virtues in real time!  If we don't do it in real time, it's not going to happen!

I am working on the mile markers for each age group (See Skyline Family Strategy picture on blog site).  There will be a class coming up in the next month for parents of 3-5 year olds to talk through how to bless your children.  

Lord Jesus, thank you for the blessings of our children. May we lead them to love you with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Today, we ask for wisdom and courage as we try to be intentional parents and then allow you, through your Spirit, to draw yourself to them.  Amen.

Date Your Spouse!

Laura and I on our annual marriage retreat.

I love the book, The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller.  Everyone should read this book whether you've been married for 25 years, or you're just thinking about getting married some day!  Keller says, "Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage." He then goes on to say that,  "Whether you are a husband or a wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage."

You see marriage is God's way of of remaking our heart from the inside out.  It's through marriage that we learn to become more like Jesus, setting aside our own self-centeredness and looking to the interest of others, more specifically our spouse.  

If we are to become the Spiritual Parents of our home, it begins with loving and serving our spouse!  Kurt Brunner, in his book It Starts at Home says, “I can learn about Jesus when I read the Bible and feel close to Jesus when I pray.  But, I become like Jesus when I give my life to my spouse, a child, a grandchild, and others whom God places in my home.”  These are the specific people for whom I am called to turn the Word into flesh amid the day-in and day-out reality of life.”

“It is much easier to sit in church listening to a sermon than to bite my tongue during an argument with my wife. The first nourished my spirit, the second humbles my pride.”  “I love listening to worship music and reading inspirational books, I hate apologizing to my children after losing my temper. The first reminds me who God is, the second reminds me who I am, a sinner in need of repentance.

“Spiritual formation occurs most effectively in those moments when I obediently submit to the sculptors’s chisel and follow the apostle Paul’s admonishment to become like the One who,” “made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant...He humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:7-8).

If you are serious about your marriage and you want it to grow, date your spouse!  Get time alone with no children...just the two of you.  Don't just talk about business or the weather or even your children. Dig deeper into their soul and their heart, and listen and learn about the one who is helping make you more like Jesus.  

It Starts with Us

The 1st Key to being a Spiritual Parent is taking care of your own spiritual development.  We can't give what we don't have. 

We’ve all heard the stories of champions throughout time who seem to have something special that others in their prospective fields do not.  Michael Jordan had prodigious physical gifts. But as his long time coach Phil Jackson writes, it was hard work that made him a legend. When Jordan first entered the league, his jump shot wasn't good enough. He spent his off season taking hundreds of jumpers a day until it was perfect.  Jackson said that Jordan's defining characteristic wasn't his talent, but having the humility to know he had to work constantly to be the best.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book, Outliers: The Story of Success, says, “Success is a function of persistence and doggedness and the willingness to work hard for twenty-two minutes to make sense of something that most people would give up on after thirty seconds.”

In other words,  you don’t become a Christian one day and become a spiritual giant the next.  If you are serious about being the spiritual leader of your home, it starts with your character, your personal development. You must take a look at your life and determine whether or not your life and your faith are worth modeling.  I understand that you may feel that you have not “arrived” spiritually. Or that you are not quite ready to model your faith.  Remember, spiritual formation is a slow climb uphill to become the person you were created to be.  Many parents use the fact that they are not “spiritual” enough or “deep” enough to lead their children.  But, it’s important to understand that their are no perfect people and certainly no perfect families!  We all are a picture of redemption.  We are all broken people striving everyday to allow God to redeem and restore us into His original design.   

Maybe you've heard this saying before, "God is much more concerned about where we’re going than where we've been."  Thank you Lord for that!  The truth is, God will lead us and promises to walk with us as we allow Him to speak to us and guide us.  It is not required that we look, think, or act perfectly.  It is required that we allow the Holy Spirit to teach us and shape us into becoming more like Jesus. We can't wait until we feel "spiritual" enough to jump in and start leading our families.  We need to start now, begin spending time with the Lord daily, and see what God does!

I have two questions for you to think about that will be on the monthly evaluation; 

1. Who have you invited to be on your Spiritual Development Team?  Do they know they are on it? Are you meeting regularly? Are you honest with them? Are you doing what they are asking you to do? Is this a priority on your schedule?

2. Are you practicing the Disciplines? Are you spending time in the Word? Are you creating space for worship and solitude? Are you creating a spirit of submission and service? Read Richard Foster's book, The Celebration of Disciplines. Better yet, Read it with someone from your Spiritual Development Team! 

Virtues Poster!

Parents,

If you remember from my message several weeks ago, the 3rd Key to being a Spiritual Parent is Learning, Modeling, and Training the 12 Virtues.  

I have designed a poster for you to hang around your house so that you can be reminded daily of what you are looking to learn, model and train with your children.  Remember, we are modeling and training in real time!

As one of these virtues comes up during your day, use that situation to model for your children how you handled it correctly....or maybe incorrectly, and what the result was.

Also, you are looking for situations in your kids lives where you can use one of these virtues to teach them and help them make decisions in their lives.

There are more posters to come designed for different ages, but until then, use this one!

These posters will be available in the children's area at Skyline on Sunday mornings.

Have a fantastic day!  Be Intentional, Be Involved!

Todd

Well, again I want to thank each of you for joining the Family Challenge.  I am praying that, together, we will become more like Jesus in His character and lead our families to look more like Him as well.

As we do that, I believe we can and will change our families for many generations to come.  Remember,  we're all starting fresh!  No looking back to what we've missed out on, just looking ahead to what God is going to do today, and in the future of our lives and our families lives.

So, with that said, a new tool that we will be using is called the Family Challenge Evaluation.  Each month, I will send you an evaluation with 10 questions for you to answer.  These questions will ask you about yourself, your marriage, and your family.  They will not always have the same 10 questions. There will be a space on each question for you to write notes to me or explanations, as well as stories to share.  Please be honest, I can't see who the responses are from!  :)

The purpose of these evaluations are not to beat ourselves up, or remind us how bad we are.  They are a way we can encourage each other and have some good accountability in our lives.  Obviously, the best kind of accountability is personal accountability with another human, face to face.  I highly encourage that!  And, you can even use this tool in those relationships.

Before I send your first evaluation though, I thought it would be good to describe some of the things you will be asked in the survey and explain what each might look like.  I will be posting several times over the next few weeks leading up to the evaluation (at the end of this month) in order to explain each question.

As you read each post, remember, we're not looking for perfection, but progress!  I am looking forward to this Family Challenge... together!

Blessings,

Todd

Welcome to Home Court

This blog is an attempt to connect parents who are striving to be the spiritual leaders of their homes. More specifically, the parents of Skyline Church who have made a pledge to take on the challenge to lead our children daily by:

1. Personal Spiritual Development (Growing to become more like Jesus)
2. Creating an Environment of Grace (Loving unconditionally)
3. Learning, Modeling, and Teaching (Looking for daily opportunities in real time)
4. Team Integrated Experiences (Widening the circle of those influencing our children)

My hope is that I can encourage you on this journey and provide for you ideas and resources to help along the way.

Below is a slide I didn't get to in my message on Sunday. This slide is a picture of the strategy for families at Skyline.  The road is your child's spiritual journey.  The Blue arrows represent the 4 keys to being a spiritual parent.  These are things we are being intentional about daily.  The orange arrows are the Team Integrated Experiences that are in addition to what we are doing at home.  The mile markers on the sides of the road are resources that we at Skyline will use to come alongside and help parents at pivotal times in our kids lives.  As your child approaches the ages posted on the signs, you will have the opportunity to use the resource to teach your child and help them grow wiser and become more like Jesus.

I'm excited about this journey together as we change the current cycle and diligently pass on our faith to the next generation!