Environment of Grace

Over the years my wife and I have wrestled with the questions of how to best lead and discipline our children. We've talked to people, read books, watched videos, and then experimented with what works best in our family, with our unique set of personalities.  The conclusion we came to is that there really isn't one right way for each family, and as a matter fact there really isn't one right way with each child!

However,  I believe there is one right environment to create that will give us the best opportunity to train up our children in the way they should go.   It's creating an environment of Grace.

I like the way Dr. Kimmel says it in his book, Grace Based Parenting,  “Grace is simply God’s love showing itself in relational determination.”  In other words, We must be determined to love and connect relationally as God does with us.

See, Grace is experienced through the quality of love and commitment to each other.

It’s saying, "My love for you is not based on your behavior or accomplishments, I love you no matter what!"   That's the way God loves us, and it’s the way we are to love our children.

The role of parents is to connect with the heart of our children in such a way, that we prepare that child to more easily connect with the heart of God.  And it’s the environment of grace we create in our home that helps to make that heart connection happen with our children.


Kurt Brunner calls this the “Likelihood Principle.”  He says, "Teaching values in the context of a loving, affirming relationship can be highly effective.  But, trying to instill values in the context of a relationship that is distant or hostile will simply not work.”

How are we creating an environment of Grace?  Are we quickly loosing our temper or are we patient and gentle?  Are we providing clear boundaries and expectations or are we scattered with all of our do's and dont's, constantly making up new rules to follow?  Do our kids feel like they can invite friends to our home or are they afraid of being embarrassed by the actions of mom and dad?  Do our kids feel that they are only good enough or loved when they perform well in sports, music, dance, school, etc...?  Are the words "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" a regular part our vocabulary?  Do our kids feel like they can come to us for advise and prayer with most situations or issues in their lives? Are we connecting with the heart of our children?

These are just a few questions to ask ourselves on whether or not we are creating an environment of grace.  Here is a great resource if you're looking to learn more about this idea of Grace based parenting.

Evalutaion Review

I wanted to update you on the family evaluation that most of you took a couple of weeks ago.  First, I want to thank you for taking the time to answer the questions, and for answering them honestly!  This gives me a great starting point to know where I can help encourage and resource.

Second, there were some great questions that came up in the comment sections.  I want to take a minute and go through some of those so that we're all on the same page.

• I will be sending this survey each month as an accountability tool for you and/or your spouse.
• The questions will change from time to time.
• Please do these evaluations together as a couple so that you both are evaluating and participating.
• If you're a single parent, obviously some of the questions will not be applicable.
• If you are wondering what the virtues are, go to toddlovelace.blogspot.com and you will find them.  I will also post the definitions for you there. You also should listen to the message I gave in August at Skyline. It's in the archives on our website at skylineokc.com
• You're Spiritual Development Team are the men or women you have surrounded yourself with to help you grow and hold you accountable.  You must verbally give them permission to ask you tough questions and encourage you on your journey.  They should know they are on your team! You should meet with them occasionally face to face and communicate regularly.  If possible you should look for a person who may be further down the road than you to disciple you as well.
• Praying with our spouse seems to be tough for most of us.  My suggestion is to just start with a few short prayers of 10-15 seconds and build from there.
• Many of us are not taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally.  This is a great area to work on with your Spiritual Development Team.  Share this with them and allow them to pray for you, challenge you, and partner with you!
• As you pray with your children, make sure you and your spouse take time to pray with each one.  
• Teaching the 12 virtues should take place even when your children are little.  
• Remember you are modeling (intentionally showing them in your life) and teaching (walking through situations in their lives) these 12 virtues in real time!  If we don't do it in real time, it's not going to happen!

I am working on the mile markers for each age group (See Skyline Family Strategy picture on blog site).  There will be a class coming up in the next month for parents of 3-5 year olds to talk through how to bless your children.  

Lord Jesus, thank you for the blessings of our children. May we lead them to love you with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Today, we ask for wisdom and courage as we try to be intentional parents and then allow you, through your Spirit, to draw yourself to them.  Amen.